I have a story to tell you….

This story is about me, God and Satan.

I have always believed in and loved God. I was raised in a christian home, I read my Bible often (I even took it to school with me a few times), I went to church 2 – 3 times a week, I sang in church, I went on youth trips and I was saved at a very young age. I have always known that God sent His son, Jesus, to save me. I have always been 100% confident in my faith.

Well, not always.

I don’t think I have to tell you that we are all sinners. None of you reading this post is a saint.

Neither is the person writing it.

I also don’t think I have to tell you that Satan is not a nice guy. He is a brute and a cad. He is a… meanie!

Satan preys on people. He wants to control you. He wants to hurt you. He wants to make you feel unloved and guilty. He DOES NOT want you to have any kind of relationship with your savior, Jesus Christ.

That’s really what this story is about. My up-close and personal encounters with Satan himself. Let me tell you, it was ugly.

It’s important to realize that Satan waits for the opportune moment to strike. He’s a smart guy. He will seek you out at your absolute weakest moments OR when you are straying from God’s will for you, which we ALL do at some point in our lives.

So it all started around November of 2012. I had actually just moved out of my parent’s house and moved in with my boyfriend.

Yep, you read that right. Was I doing what pleased God by moving in with my boyfriend? No, not at all.

(Side note: We are happily engaged now and are looking forward to being MARRIED! Isn’t it great that God is so good and will allow us to turn a bad decision into something that makes us so incredibly happy and is pleasing to Him!)

Anyway, I did something very VERY worldly and Satan saw that as the PERFECT opportunity to come after me.

So he did.

It was around November that I started feeling very distant from God. Something I have never really dealt with before. I thought about it constantly… thoughts like “you aren’t good enough for God” and “you’ve done too much wrong for God to love you” began to invade my thoughts. I struggled with this for what felt like an eternity. I continued to keep my faith and pray constantly. Even when I felt like it wasn’t helping me.

I knew how I felt in my heart. However, my mind seemed to be where the problem was.

Things continued to slowly worsen. It was such a gradual process that I’m just now realizing all the connections. That’s how Satan works. He is a trickster. He doesn’t want you to blame him. No, he wants you to blame YOU!

I continued to push forward in my faith. I did devotionals almost daily–sometimes more than once a day–I prayed about the problem, I had several heart to heart conversations with my then boyfriend about his faith, and how faith was important in our relationship, and I listened to christian radio. (Thank you 106.9 The Pulse!) I was willing to do anything and everything to be worthy of God’s grace because I felt so very distant.

I was completely aware that God loved me. But it was as if my mind would not accept it as truth. It was literally a battle between my heart and mind.

Satan attacks your mind. Attacks.

He found me in a weak point and boy did he ever take advantage of that.

I eventually started feeling a little relief from my own mind. I started having better days and feeling closer to God again. Dustin and I were doing Bible plans together and were in the process of looking for a church to attend.

Satan didn’t want me going to church. Let alone did he want ME AND DUSTIN going and bringing God into our relationship, too!

So this is when he really let loose! This is when things got terrifying.

Have you ever read the Bible verse that talks about Satan’s “flaming arrows”?  I believe “flaming arrows” is a reference to Satan’s lies. What image comes into your mind when you think of arrows? … I think of an arrow shooting quickly through the atmosphere destined for a planned target. Just think about that. You are Satan’s planned target. He’s pretty malicious, huh?

“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” (Ephesians 6:16)

As I said earlier, when Dustin and I began getting more serious about our faith Satan started getting more serious about making sure I did not grow in my faith. He began to fill my mind with his lies (flaming arrows) again, but in a more serious manner…

I’m not even going to type on this blog the thoughts he was putting in my mind. When I tell people this story, I won’t even tell them. I refuse to let the thoughts he put in my head escape my lips. They were that horrendous. They were absolutely hateful. I’m already a worry wart, so this almost drove me insane.

He would attack at anytime and the scary thing is you don’t even see it coming. I could be watching TV, taking a shower, or even sitting in CHURCH and he would start shooting arrows, aka thoughts, into my mind.

Now, I knew these thoughts were not of me because 1) I was completely sickened when it happened, 2) I felt so guilty for it even occuring, and most importantly, 3) I KNEW this is not how I really truly and felt in my heart.

I was terrified. I would literally refuse the thought as my own and pray every time it happened. But I could not shake the guilt. I could not shake the feeling that it was somehow my fault. It’s my mind after all!

It took a lot of prayer and a lot of faith on my part to overcome this. One night I was lying in bed and praying about it all for probably an hour and a half at least when I suddenly felt God there with me, stronger than I had in a long time, and I knew at that moment that I had been a victim of Satan. My mind is not my heart. And most importantly, GOD UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED.

God knows how Satan works and how he tries to attack us. We have to use our faith as a shield against Satan’s arrows.

Things have been so much more peaceful in my head since I came to realize all of this. I’m not going to say that Satan never tries to get at me anymore… but when he does… NOPE! I reject it immediately with my faith. My shield. :) Satan is not welcome here! Go home, Satan!

I guess my whole point in writing this is because when I went through this I felt so alone. I even searched online for a clue that someone, anyone, had been through the same mental torment. I couldn’t really find anything. So that’s why I’m putting this very personal story up, for anyone to see. I hope it can help someone who’s being victimized by Satan and feeling as if they’re to blame.

If you’re that person, you are not alone. Find comfort in knowing that God does know what Satan tries to do to us. Keep your faith strong and continue to trust God no matter how distant you feel. (You never know when God may be testing your faith.) Use your faith as a SHIELD against Satan’s ARROWS. Do not let Satan make you feel unworthy of your Savior’s love. No one is out of reach of God’s love. No one.

I’m so glad I kept my faith in God through all of this. He has shown me His love in tremendous ways through this ordeal.

I suffered for 10 months, before I truly learned what was happening. I hope that this blog post will help you understand it all sooner than I did.

Thanks for reading,
Claire :)


***Feel free to email me at clairebrownblog@gmail.com if you have any questions, if you’d like to talk about your experience with this issue, or if you just need prayer.


One thought on “I have a story to tell you….

I'd love to get your feedback!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s